TONGUE OF NEWT
HOUSE BLESSING SERVICES
13 ABELARD CUTTING, WENCHOSTER PARVA
Whether our home is old or new, all of us at some time or another experience those unquiet moments when an eddy in the spiritual world awakens forces best left asleep.
To prevent or quell any such disturbance in your home, may I draw your attention to the services we offer.
Your home CAN BE a place of peace and rest. Don't delay, call me today, and I'll be there, oh yes, I'll be there, to love and understand you. Oh yes, I'll be there, with a love that can control you. Oh yes, I'll be there.....
Father Shamus Flaherty
Order of the Blessed Relic of Sister "Mad Dog" Beatitudo.
Graduate of The College of Rome (Texas)
Psy. Ch. O
Read a sample letter of the kind of request with which we get indundated
ITINERARY OF HOUSE BLESSING SERVICES.
A short service of five minutes duration with the minimum of fuss or
upheaval. All that is needed is a candle and a Bible.
This service is recommended for disturbances that fall within the A category:
Apparitions; Spooks, Spectres, Sprites, Shapes and all forms of Shades.
A half-hour service of more effect for moderate eddies in the spiritual
current. Requirements are a candle, (preferably one of those twirly ones, and a
nice colour - not red or green, they don't go with my vestments!), a Bible, and
a large handbell.
Recommended for Category B disturbances:
Brownies, Fairies, Pixies, Leprechauns and Clurichauns.
This is for those homes where things are starting to hot-up! A full
forty-five minutes of Psalms sung to Anglican chant, a format proved to be
effective against many kinds of ethereal manifestations.
Recommended for Category C disturbances:
Imps, Doppelgangers and Flibbertigibbets; Phantoms and Pidwidgeons.
Right, now we really get started. This is the sort of home you wouldn't want
to spend the next night in! This service consists of an hour-long Praise meeting
with choruses, testimonies from our resident evangelical, and your favourite
Bible passage read to atmospheric guitar music by the "Koinonia"
Recommended for Category G disturbances.
Gremlins, Ghouls, Hob-goblins; Banshees, Bugbears, Boogyboos and Bogeymen; Urchins and Changelings.
Not for those of a nervous disposition! Here we really get to grips with the
underworld, and your underwear! Bicycle clips should be worn.
A hour of bell, book and candle, with incense blended from the sputum of the Patagonian fruit-bat and crystalised over a fire kindled in a sheep's bladder and fuelled by dried camel dung. (This service has been franchised by Rentokil for cases of severe infestation).
Recommended for Category "Oops, there goes my lunch!" disturbances:
Poltergeists and Pookhas; Demons and Wraiths; Kelpies and Lamias.
SERVICE E (I) and E (I) O.
Optional extra service to deal with Incubus and Succubus manifestations. A liberal application of Lea and Perrin's Worcestershire sauce is sprinkled throughout the house, using an asperges brush blessed by the Pope on Maundy Thursday.
Oh F***! Sod the bell, book and candle! This calls for stronger forces.
Blessed by the Archmandriate of Vladivorsk, the up-to-the-minute Kalashnikov
assault rifle, gold-tipped bullets, and stock engraved with a bas-relief copy of
the Holy Trinity icon by Rasputin.
Recommended for Category F disturbances:
Vampires, Lycanthropes, Werewolves and Zombies.
Specially designed to deal with all types of mythological manifestations. A
portable stone altar is set up in your living room, and here is sacrificed the
family pet, the blood being dashed against the sides of the altar and over the
occupants of the house.
(Complementary carpet cleaning is included in this service.)
Recommended for Category M disturbances:
Valkyries and Sirens; Furies and Harpies; Trolls, Djinns and Ogres.
and now if you haven't already looked at the nitty-gritty......
PHARISAIOS HOUSE BLESSINGS PRICE LIST
(plus any necessary cleaning of vestments and underwear)
(to be credited 24 hours in advance to A/c 666 Banque de Phi. Zurich. Switzerland.)
SERVICE E (I) and E (I) O.
(in AmEx Travellers cheques.)
A bottle of Ouzo, a fresh pitta and a lamb kebab.
SPECIAL LATE SEASON OFFER!
For those houses where the disturbances prove resistant to our efforts, we operate a low-cost Removals fleet to transport you to a new home. Details on request.
TONGUE OF NEWT HOUSE BLESSING SERVICES
"Exorcisms with a song, a smile and a pink gin!"
Sponsored by the Wenchoster Cathedral Chapter
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