Tuesday, July 03, 

Why does one feel so darn hot when the flab has attached itself once again around the midrift?
I really must get some exercise.
Mind you, not as bad as a friend who had problems the other day ......

"My colleague had booked 2 rooms at *******Motel at the charming village of S****** B******, very picturesque, it stands on a bad bend in the road facing the village green.

We arrived, took our converted stable block room keys and went to "freshen up" prior to a small repast and some serious drinking...Hhhhmmmm STELLA!

I digress....I opened the room door stepped inside, and put my case and laptop on one of the 2 single beds (just painting the mental picture...the old 4 day build-up). I opened the only other door in the room to discover the toilet/showering facility. Having undressed (no mental pictures here please...a large mound of sweating blubber...no air conditioning in this God-Forsaken country remember). I looked at the smaller-than-usual shower cubicle with its glass sliding doors....hhhhmmm I thought, it's going to be a bit of a squeeze getting in there. I wasn't wrong! After opening the 2 corner sliding units I attempted to squeeze myself through the miniscule aperture (OK for normal folk I suppose..) only to get myself wedged halfway through. So after a bit of wriggling I was in! (There's the old Actress/Bishop joke here somewhere). Great! I can now write an extensive piece entitled "How grossly obese bald unfit people can shower in an upright glass coffin" Once I'd turned the water on it was what I imagine being "buried at sea" feels like. How the bloody hell are you supposed to wash your lower "bits & bobs" when you struggle to even rotate in the damn thing?!

Anyway, after a rather uncomfortable and unpleasant experience, I tried to alight from this "Tomb of the Fat and Ugly" only to find similar restrictive exit problems....but I got there!

On the morning, having woken bright and early from an object that pretended to be a bed, scaffolding planking thinly disguised I reckon, I once more braved the "Iron (Wet) Maiden", however, me being a pedantic old sod; I'd noticed the rooms had recently been decorated and noticed quite a bit of emulsion paint had been "swaged" down the aluminum edge of the corner of the shower screen where the 2 doors met....."How careless of the decorators", I thought, why hadn't they cleaned it off? It then dawned on me....this wasn't paint....this was the scummy soapy residue scraped off my enormous torso whilst exiting the shower, and struggling past the door!

The moral of the story is....LOOSE SOME WEIGHT YOU FAT SOD!"


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