Genesis 2: 1-14

1.      Now Adam knew Eve his wife, which was unsurprising as they were the only two humans on earth, and lay with her, sex having been discovered, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, 'Aaagh! Aaaaaagh!'


2.      And not having much grasp of biology she said, 'I have gotten a child with the help of the Lord.'


3.      And they did it again, and again she bore his brother Abel.


4.      Now Abel was attracted to the keeping of sheep, and Cain a tiller boy.


5.      One day Cain brought to the Lord a sundry collection of plants and stems, and Abel brought some excellent sheep with ready-jointed marinated cutlets.


6.      And the Lord liked the meat, as it smelled exceedingly good and there was much salivating in heaven, and anticipation of gravy.


7.      But he passed on the vegetables.


8.      And this passed Cain off, and his face was all gloomy, and the Lord said unto him


9.      'Why the long face, already? Can I help it if I don't like sprouts? Especially if they're overcooked like these!'


10.  And it came to pass that Cain said to his brother Abel, 'Fancy a walk in the field?'


11.  And Abel was not sure of his intentions, but went anyway. And there he was done in exceedingly, even to death.


12.  Then the Lord called out to Cain, saying, 'Oy! Where's Abel your brother?' Which for an omniscient being was a rhetorical thing to do, for he knew where he was.


13.  And Cain shrugged his shoulders, saying he did not know. But the Lord became rather cross, saying, 'What have you done?' again demonstrating a lack of cogniscience.


14.  Thus Cain confessed his naughtiness, and the Lord banished him to the Land of Nod, to the East of Eden. There Cain caused theological upset by knowing his wife, and bearing Enoch, thus casting doubt on all that his parents had told him about not having any other kindred.



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