John 20: 11-32

11  Mary stood weeping outside the tomb. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb, even though she was afraid of spiders and the like;


12  and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had been lying, one at the head and the other at the feet. "Aaaagh!" she exclaimed, almost soiling herself with fright. "Where'd you come from?"


13  They said to her, "Woman, why are you screaming?" She said to them, "If you'd just had a shock like I've just had, you know why!" And giving each other a knowing glance one of the angels said, "Okay, calm down. We don't bite, you know." "What are you doing here?"


14  And Mary replied, "Is that a rhetorical question or just a bit of explanation put in for later generations?" And the angel said, "Don't be so bloody clever. Now, what do you want?"


15  And Mary said, ‘They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.’


16  And the angel said to his companion, "Who's this they? Did you see anyone?" And the other angel shrugged its wings and began preening his flight feathers.


17  And Mary became aware of someone standing behind her, so whipping her tear-gas spray out of her handbag, she whirled around and saw Jesus, but she did not know that it was Jesus.


18  And she said to the stranger, "Back off you perve! I'll defend myself!"


19  And Jesus said to her, "Woman, why are you weeping? For whom are you looking?"


20  And this put Mary a bit more at ease, and she lowered the spray.  Squinting at him the early morning sun, for it was now light, she noticed the bag of carpenter's tools at his side and said, "Sorry. I'm just a bit on edge at the moment. Are you the gardener here?"


21  And Jesus sighed and looked up to heaven and said, "This is going well."


22  And Mary, clutching at straws, which were sticking out of the top of his trousers, said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away."


23  (She said this without thinking, for the word "laid" was open to all sorts of later misinterpretation, and in itself gave rise to a Gnostic sect that claimed divine permission for necrophilia.  Neither had she considered how she was going to hump a dead body out of the graveyard, and where she would put it when she got home, for it was likely to be a bit pongy after three days, and the neighbours would most likely register a complaint with the Jerusalem City Environmental officer.)


24  And Jesus said to her, "Mary!"


25  And looking more closely at him, for she was a bit short-sighted, she said to him in Hebrew, "Rabbouni!" (which means Teacher). "Where'd you get those clothes?"


26  Jesus said to her, "Do not ask. Anything was better than wandering around this damp cemetery without anything on."


27  And Mary recalled that the shroud and head band were still lying in the tomb, and she said, "Oo-er! That shirt looks a bit rough. Let's have a feel."


28  But Jesus backed off, saying, "Don't touch the shirt! You'll get embalming fluid all over it!" (for being now one with God and omniscient, he knew that this was what she had brought to the tomb earlier on.)


29  And he said to her, "Listen, I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to my brothers and say to them, "I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.""


30  And Mary said, "Eh? What do you mean, "ascended"?" But in a flash of light as brilliant as jasper and as dazzling as cornelian, both Jesus and the angels in the tomb disappeared.


31  So Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, "I have seen the Lord"; and the disciples to a man said, "Verily her cup runneth over, if you know what I mean" But she denied it saying, "It's not yet nine in the morning."


32  But the disciples sniggered and exclaimed, "So what! That's never stopped you before, you old slapper!" So she went out, and said nothing to anyone, for she was thinking, "Stuff the lot of them!"





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