THE OPENING

*

 

Mark 14: 1-16

1.      And when Jesus and his disciples were come unto the Upper Room, Jesus looked up to heaven and sighed. And he spake; "Epthatha!" (which means "be opened").

 

2.      And straightway there came a sound around them like the noise of several corks being drawn from bottles. And there were the occasional clinking of glasses.

 

3.      There was also the sound of a rushing mighty wind.

 

4.      And Matthew did apologise.

 

5.      And Jesus spake unto his disciples and said, "Right, now, pass your glasses along." And the disciples did as they were bid.

 

6.      And looking around him Jesus asked, "Where's Judas? He was here just a minute ago."

 

7.      And Peter spake up and answered, "Er... I think he just left." And his brother John did join in the conversation, for he was a fisherman, and used to tall tales. "He said something earlier about needing to buy a corkscrew." he said.

 

8.      But Thomas, who was a bit of a doubter did disbelieve this explanation and submitted his own interpretation of events. "I thought it sounded more like "Screw this!" he said.

 

9.      And Jesus replied, "Oh, well, never mind. At least he got some of Mary's home-baked wholemeal poppy-seed loaf before he went. I made sure of that. I dipped a bit in the soup and gave it to him. We'll ask Martha to keep a couple of lamb kebabs warm in the Aga for him."

 

10.  And putting down his glass James commented, "Just so long as he's back before we leave for the barbecue in the Garden." for he had gone to great lengths to make sure that this was going to be a night to remember, booking the Temple Guard 'Kiss-o-gram' crew for a small mess of pottage.

 

11.  And Jesus, trusting in their honesty, for they were simple folk, relaxed again and saith, "Absolutely!" And looking around the table at his friends he raised his glass, and, having given thanks, said unto them, "Now, all got some wine?"

 

12.  And Peter, being much cheered by the warming effects of the avocado and gin starter didst reply, "Yep!"

 

13.  And Jesus breathed on them and blessed them and saith, "Cheers!", to which the disciple whom he loved did reply, "Good 'ealth!", though others wished that they had thought to bring the communal mouthwash flask.

 

14.  And the sound of the clinking glasses was carried on the night air full three streets away to where the local clergy were arranging a late night surprise.

 

15.  And oblivious of this, and sipping of the wine, Peter did ask, "Have we got any of those little cheesy biscuits?"

 

16.  And Judas (not Iscariot) looked at the label and read out, "'Sacrasucre'. Probably the sweetest communion wine in the world." And he did belch, to which James did reply, "Easy!"

 

Translator's note:

Sacresucre is the registered trade mark of the Pilate Wine Corporation. Made with 98 % pure cane sugar grown on the Mount of Olives Plantation. Suitable for diabetics only as a "Last Rites" communion wine. The Pilate Wine Corporation make no claims for the spiritual nature of this wine, nor is any theological imperative to be attached to this product. The Pilate Wine Corporation is invested in the Galilean Lake subsidiary of the Last Supper Supplies Company, as approved by the leading denominations of Latvia. Organic wholemeal hosts also available.

 
 
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